Throughout history, civilizations have been brought to their knees at the hands of sickness and plague in both times of war and times of peace. This week, Texas A&M was brought low by one of the most dangerous illnesses of all: senioritis.
Senior poultry science major, Eric Wolf, has become infamous during his tenure at Texas A&M for attending only the minimum number of classes needed to pass. He is rarely seen by the general student body except when he comes to class for tests. Because of this notoriety, when Wolf was spotted on west campus last week near the Kleberg building, many students began to panic, fearing there could be a test they had forgotten.
“It’s always really scary and stressful when people say they’ve seen Eric Wolf,” said Carrie Elways, a sophomore animal science major. “Since Eric never goes to his classes, no one knows if they have a class with him or not. So if he’s on campus, we are all at risk.”
When Elways heard that Wolf had been seen, she rushed to check eCampus to make sure she hadn’t forgotten a test date. Thousands of other students had the same reaction, and this sudden and unexpected influx of online traffic caused the already painfully slow campus WiFi to crash. With nervous students all over campus now unable to know for sure whether or not they had tests, panicked mobs rushed to buy scantrons. These mobs of terrified students quickly turned to looting.
Prompted by the violent hordes beginning to rampage across campus, Code Maroon sent out a poorly-worded alert that read: “Wolf sighting on campus. Students are advised to evacuate to North.” Although this message did succeed in causing an evacuation (Aggies do not have to be told twice to go to Northgate), it increased the confusion and panic sweeping across campus.
With Texas A&M locked in the jaws of hysteria, hundreds of students called the Corps Escorts service in order to get back home safely. The demand for Corps Escorts was reportedly so high that Corps seniors were forced to walk with girls who weren’t even attractive. As the mayhem worsened, campus slowly regressed to a state of failure plagued by riots and using scantrons as currency. The Commandant of the Corps of Cadets soon issued an emergency statement.
“I am declaring an official state of martial law across all of Texas A&M,” The Commandant announced, “The Corps of Cadets will be deployed as a peace-keeping militia using TAMU Transit buses as mobile fortresses.”
Members of the Board of Regents have come out as strongly opposed to this plan. The Board claims that the Commandant plans to instate himself as a military dictator using his favorite students, the Aggie Band, as his secret police. Aggies who live on campus are advised to stay in groups, be in the dorms before the new curfew, pretend to take the Aggie Band seriously, and spend a few scantrons stocking up on essential supplies.
Any further Wolf sightings are to be reported to Campus Police immediately, so that we can resolve once and for all if there are tests this week or not.