Students Pose as Family: Receive Aid from Big Event

In a stroke of lazy and entitled brilliance, two seniors registered as a family in order to get free labor from The Big Event this year. The students, economics major Clay Morton and history major Stephen Shields, pretended to be an elderly couple who needed help with household chores. Both enrolled in law school this next semester, Morton and Shields took advantage of poor wording on the sign-up form to argue that they are in fact “seniors” and “citizens”.

“Our house has been pretty rank the past few months since Stephen is lazy and refuses to do the dishes or take out the trash,” said Morton. “I’m the responsible one, so I figured I should do the mature thing and get someone else to do it.”

“Don’t listen to anything that Clay tells you,” Shields yelled in response, “It was his turn to do the dishes and he knows it. I did them the last two times!”

The group sent by Big Event was shocked upon arriving at their job site to discover they would be working for two senior students instead of the senior citizens they had expected. Luckily, Shields informed us, The Big Event group was made up of Corps fish, so they just instinctively did everything the upperclassmen told them to do.

“What else were we supposed to do, think for ourselves? We’re not damn t-sips,” said Neil Balder, freshman general studies major and one of the members of The Big Event group.

Morton and Shields said they were very satisfied with the group’s job performance. The Big Event group did the dishes, swept the floors, took out the trash, and did basically everything else your mom used to do for you. Balder said he thought the group was able to be so effective because of the tools that Big Event Staff provided to them: two broken rakes, and a paint tray with no paint or brushes.

“It feels good to just get out into the community and help people who really need it. It’s hard work but we’re making a difference out here,” said Balder, who then mumbled something about embodying core values. Balder went on to say he can’t wait to brag to all of his high school friends about how he volunteers and is superior in every way.

-CPP