Researchers at A&M have discovered the formula for the perfect Yell leaders. After many years of hard work studying the physics, mathematics and theory behind leading yells, it was discovered that the single most important attribute of a Yell leader is, in fact, being a white, non-denominational Christian male.
“After countless tests, white non-denominational Christian males just have the kind of qualities that make them natural yell leaders—it’s in their blood,” said head researcher Dr. John Hardy.
Hardy went on to clarify that Mormons, Protestants, Lutherans and other denominations, though undoubtedly great specimens, do not make the cut.
“There are a variety of reasons why white Christians excel at yell leading: maleness establishes dominance and power; fair skin and large hands aid in nighttime visibility; high cheekbones provide an aerodynamic face conducive for yelling; height for a superior vantage point in order to loom over others, and a sonically booming voice that can be heard all the way from the nosebleeds,” said assistant researcher Brian Wilson.
Other crucial factors include having exactly one black friend, listening to country music, being in the corps, and acting semi-tolerant of others.
Using a complex sorting algorithm, the Corps compares the ideal qualities to those of the candidates in order to select the five ideal nominees. Despite their best efforts, the system is not without its flaws.
“There are some kinks that need to be worked out. Sometimes we get a minority, or a Lutheran, or someone under six feet but we don’t know why. We’re just trying our best,” said Dr. Hardy
Now, only time will tell whether or not popular opinion aligns with science.
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