You may be hearing a new rally cry throughout campus this holiday season. Instead of the normal “Keep Christ in Christmas,” Dr. Jim Nail, Professor of Religious Studies, is encouraging his students to “put the X back in X-mas.”
Following Thanksgiving break, students have been heard complaining about the excessive number of questions from Aunt Barb and Uncle Joe on why they were not in a relationship. These came before the complaints about grandma’s lack of grandchildren. Professor Nail decided to campaign for change before Christmas break.
“The solution to this problem is simple, really. It lies in the folder of screenshots and awkward girl’s-hand-on-the-guy’s-stomach-like-he-is-expecting-a-child couple pictures on our computers. You know, the ones with our exes, that we tell our friends we deleted,” said Professor Nail.
He explained, “The best way to avoid questions about your relationship status is to get back with your ex. Whether it just be for a few key events, like Christmas dinner or New Year’s Eve, or even for a longer commitment, bringing your ex back for Christmas is an easier way to deal with your family’s constant questions than downing numerous glasses of wine.”
Professor Nail suggests looking back at those old screenshots and stalking your former significant other’s Twitter favorites, in order to see what their idea of a relationship goal looks like.
If you are unable to make yourself look like Zac Efron or Carrie Underwood while also studying for finals in the short time between Thanksgiving and Christmas break, the easiest way to get your ex back is to bribe them with the things that they like best. “This could be free food, free alcohol, cheesy compliments, or good morning texts,” said Professor Nail.
The truth is that you know your ex best, and the chance of finding a new soulmate over the next two weeks of studying for finals while almost everyone, including yourself, looks like death incarnate is slim.
Professor Nail recommends starting slow with a simple “Hey, how have you been!” or a quick “I heard [insert your relationship song here] on the radio and thought of you. Hope everything is going well” text. Eventually, this should lead to a meal or “watching Netflix” depending on how receptive your ex is.
In fact, it may be possible to create an agenda of holiday events for which you will need each other to be present, and a payment of sorts can be arranged for each event. Who knows, maybe you will rekindle the flame and kiss your ex under the mistletoe.
Because if all else fails, the Mugdown suggests simply sitting down with your ex over a bowl of queso and attacking the issue head on. Being pestered about your relationship status at family meals is a problem that plagues many, and we know that your ex is facing the same dilemma.
-Marco Ovo Queso Polo