The Lonely Lighter Advice Column on:
The Mugdown’s Guide to Mugging Down
Dear Lonely Lighter,
I have a confession: I am an 18 year-old male who has never kissed anyone. Since my secret got out in my dorm earlier this year, I have wanted nothing more than to leave my virgin lips in the past. The only problem is that I have always been super passionate about waiting for the right person. Luckily, this semester “The One” waltzed into my life. She is in my CHEM 101 and has the beauty of a sunrise over the Himalayas. When she walks into a room, I’m pretty sure angels begin to sing. My obsession with interest in this beautiful creature led to a dare, and now I am legally bound to kiss her at Midnight Yell—or may I suffer the punishment of my roommate naming my first-born child “#Jehoshaphat”. Seeing as I have no interest in losing this bet, and also no experience in kissing a girl, I would really appreciate some advice on the matter.
Thanks and Mug ‘Em,
Sweet Kisses for the Future Mrs.
Dear Prezzi of the Virgin Lip Club,
Okay, “Lonely Lighter” obviously has so much experience in this arena. (That was sarcastic–I always feel like I need to clarify over type.) But I mean these are the moments your kids and grandkids will be asking you about for the next century, and I selfishly want to be a part of that story. Therefore I took it upon myself to ask all my not-so-lonely friends, watch a ton of rom coms, and help you out. I find it totally sweet that you care so much about this potential most important moment of your life. So without further adieu, I present to you the best advice I have: The Mugdown’s Guide to Mugging Down.
Rule Number One: Say Anything
Have you told her that you like her? Be honest, have you ever even talked to her? If not, Midnight Yell may be a pretty forward way to approach the eternal love of your life. But hey, you miss 100% of the shots you don’t take. Asking a girl out is always a bigger deal in your head than it is IRL. That being said, girls love it when you make a big deal about them, so think extravagant when you ask her out. Find her dorm, stand outside of her window with a boombox, blast Peter Gabriel’s “In Your Eyes” or something like that.
Rule Number Two: Practice Makes Perfect
Grab your favorite pillow, snuggle up to it and give it a smooch. Whenever I tell people I sometimes do this, they look at me funny, but I know for sure that they are just trying to cover up the fact that they have tried it too. Think about different angles: are you taller or shorter, is it more natural for you to tilt your head left or right? Nothing can really substitute for a semi-lifesized practice pillow. They’re soft and they don’t judge.
Rule Number Three: Don’t Get Too Handsy
If you don’t know what to do with your hands, you’re gonna have a bad time. Like, how much do you want to impress this girl? Because it’s totally impressive to grab her face and just lay one on her. But if you want to take it a little slower, put your hands on her love handles (they’re called that for a reason) but DO NOT SQUEEZE—girls hate that. Whatever you do, respecting your woman is the best thing, so don’t let those digits creep too far above or below the equator, if you know what I’m saying.
Rule Number Four: Chap Up!
And I ain’t talking about those things cowboys wear on their legs. Invest in some real good chapstick, like yesterday. Girls like soft lips, and they would never admit it, but they like it with a little flavor too. She may have forgotten this important rule, so help her out! It wouldn’t be weird at all to start off the date—not by bringing her flowers—but by bringing her lip balm. You would literally be the BALM!
Rule Number Five: S.W.A.K. (Seal it With A Kiss)
You’ve done all of this practice and prep, and now it’s your time to shine! First, tell her she looks pretty—there is nothing wrong with buttering up your date. As soon as the lights go out, DO NOT HESITATE to lean in for that kiss. Really, if she’s cute, you should keep kissing her so everyone can see what a hot date you have. People secretly love stealing glances at some good PDA. According to my research (i.e. hours of watching Pride and Prejudice, The Notebook, and Sixteen Candles) when the deed is done, pull back slowly, look deep into her eyes and just smile. As far as I can tell, after that you just wait for the scene to fade to black.
Go get ‘em rookie!