Dear Westboro, Sincerely God Dear Westboro, Sincerely God
During last week’s severe storms, lightning simultaneously struck the grave of a deceased servicemen and a homosexual couple. The resulting fire relayed this message... Dear Westboro, Sincerely God

During last week’s severe storms, lightning simultaneously struck the grave of a deceased servicemen and a homosexual couple. The resulting fire relayed this message to the Most Holy of Congregations, the Disciples of Westboro Baptist Church.

My favorite followers, the holy and just members of Westboro Baptist Church:
           Throughout the history of My creation, I have given blessings to My chosen people. For thousands of years, the Jewish nation has assumed that it was they. After another thousand years of getting kicked around by the rest of the world, you would think they would get the picture. Get it together Jews. Clearly the chosen people that are foretold in the Old Testament are you, the proud people of Westboro Baptist Church. This is my message to thee.
           Unlike those of my blessed congregation that have received untold blessings, there is one nation that has actively worked against me and invoked my wrath: the heathens of maroon and white. The cursed Aggies of Texas A&M have openly opposed me. Ever since they formed that maroon wall around the military funeral my followers protested back in 2012, they have turned College Station into a modern Gomorrah.
           They have built up a religion of pigskin to raise up their own glory and prosperity. Trying to make their own promise land, they moved to the Southeastern Football Kingdom and tried to become like the other nations that resided there, spitting in my face. Following the leadership of the false prophets of Jonathan of the House of Football and General Sumlinius, they built up prestige and power. They performed ritualistic chants on a weekly basis, worshipping their pigskin gods. They spent untold riches and gold on building a larger temple to their god, Kyle. A temple that would contain an untold number of their pagan chants, led by their white clad prophets.
           Even the most juvenile followers of Me acknowledge my most important command: I hate fags. The Aggies have turned their back on my most treasured ideal and shown tolerance and understanding to these devils. They sit back and laugh as enemy makes progress in their crusade against me, and for that, I cannot forgive them. Since they refuse to show hate to these FAGS, I must show hate to them.
           I have done much to punish these people. I have banished their Prophet from the House of Football to a place he will never do harm to anyone, and have disposed of his disciple, plaguing the False Prophet of Trill with unruliness and distraught. After an unfortunate victory against the warriors of the Southern Kingdom of the Realm of Carolina, I have thrown their idolized football squad into disarray, and punished them justly, crushing them with a Crimson Tide, much like I wiped away the Egyptian Army with the crushing tide of the Red Sea. Their victory over the tigers was just a tease, for my wrath will not truly strike until my chosen people invade their town.
          Not just the Gomorrah that is College Station shall be punished, but the whole peoples of Texas. I have started a plague of Ebola in Dallas, one that will teach these Aggies the folly in their ways. This sign should be clear enough for them that a sickness in Dallas is a clear condemnation of a university several hours away, whose foundational ideals I oppose. But just to be safe, I am sending you, my blessed people to carry this message to them on November the Tenth. If they do not stop their ways, people in a totally different city will die. Obviously.

Go my children. Go and tell them of their folly.

Sincerely,
God

-Beutel Call

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Beutel Call

After we watched him bounce out of the bed of an old F-150 on his way to the Beutel Health Center because he sliced his leg fighting a dinosaur fossil, he professed his life story to us, speaking highly of his many exploits rescuing road kill. We soon learned Beutel has a large poster with his face on every bulletin board labeled “DO NOT ADMIT. WILL POCKET TONGUE DEPRESSORS AND STICK BAND-AIDS TO WAITING ROOM CEILING.”

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