The Flag Room in the MSC lost its studying allure after several students were asked to leave for disrespecting tradition. Last night, junior Griffin Bronson donned his invisible thinking cap to study for his PHYS 218 midterm but was promptly accosted by the self-proclaimed tradition guard, Andrew Portsmith.
The exchange became heated minutes later, when Portsmith told Bronson he was violating the sacred honor of the Memorial Student Center. Bronson was confused and became belligerent when Portsmith forced the issue.
“What are you talking about, dude?” said Bronson. “This is friggin stupid. Frick!”
Witnesses reported that Portsmith was patrolling the MSC, as he does every Monday night in his traditional tradition guard uniform — cargo shorts and a bonfire t-shirt. For just the third time this semester, he spotted an open disregard for tradition and honor when Bronson and his friends put on their thinking caps.
Portsmith, an avid adherent of the law, decided to take it upon himself to inform the group that any head covering other than religious garments were prohibited.
Bronson reportedly motioned to the top of his head to “remove” the cap, but Portsmith did not believe that he had actually removed it. After violently swiping the air in hopes of knocking it off, Portsmith insisted that the group leave before he was forced to contact the Honor Council.
“I’m just glad I was there,” Portsmith told the Mugdown. “This New Army stuff has gone too far. What’s next? People responding ‘good’ to Howdy?”