The Battle for Walton Hill The Battle for Walton Hill
2:31 a.m., Saturday February 8th It was a cold, peaceful night on the Northside of campus as the Walton Warriors were resting soundly after... The Battle for Walton Hill
2:31 a.m., Saturday February 8th

It was a cold, peaceful night on the Northside of campus as the Walton Warriors were resting soundly after a long Friday of guarding their precious Walton Hill. However, in only a few minutes, the Battle for Walton Hill would take place. Armed with a nerf-gun in one hand and a 12th Man towel in the other, the Southside Syndicates would soon assault Walton Hill for a battle that was surely to be remembered for at least that weekend.

With the four nations of Dunn, Krueger, Mosher, and Aston united under the Commons Pact of 1997, they were certain to conquer Walton Hill that night. The air was thin and the stench of Northgate could be smelled from a mile away. The plan was simple: Dunn would be recon at All-Faiths Chapel, providing the other three nations with intel. Krueger would be at the front lines with a direct assault coming from Military Walk. Mosher would soon flank from Sbisa Dining Hall, while Aston would be stationed near Schuhmacher Hall to prevent any reinforcements. The horn blew, and the attack began.

The Walton Warriors woke immediately and were reaching their “Holy Barbeque Grill” just as Krueger was stepping onto the base of Walton Hill. Walton knew that this was quite possibly the biggest battle of its life. All their determination and patience in guarding the hill for hours a day would be tested. Knowing that reinforcements from other Northside halls was unlikely, it was a job only Walton could handle. Through their provocative and profanity-heavy yells, they began to demoralize and offend the Krueger troops, eventually causing retreat. However, the flank of Mosher hit swift and true.

The Walton Warriors were failing. Their commander, junior Ag Leadership major Rob Johnson, used his vast knowledge of military leadership skills to boost Walton’s morale, but it was useless. Mosher had already taken over the hill with Aston troops moving in to secure the victory.

Commander Rob Johnson died that night. His finals words were short, but urgent. Before breathing his last, Johnson softly whispered to freshman Chad Rogers, “You must ... retake ... the hill, they cannot ... learn our ... sec-...”.

Johnson was dead. A sea of Walton residents looked on, outfitted in their traditional attire: Cargo shorts and too-small t-shirts. The Southside Syndicates took the hill that night, but nobody knows of Freshman Chad Rogers’ location. Anonymous sources state that he is planning to retake Walton Hill, but we may never know due to a lack of interest in the hill by practically everyone.

-Duncan Dough
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Duncan Dough

Definitely, definitely not named for his rotund stature, Duncan Dough is a bubbly fellow of a healthy weight who is in charge of bringing the cookie dough made in Duncan Dining Hall over to Sbisa to be baked. That’s right. Sbisa Cookies are actually from Duncan, but it’s hard to taste the lies and betrayal through all that sugar. Oh, he also giggles like the Pillsbury Doughboy if you poke him.

  • Steven Barry

    October 22, 2014 #1 Author

    fish Chad could yell the traditional Northside yell to rally the “troops” of Northside–“Northside close knit, south side eat shi$. Or one of the numerous awesome Walton yells (the Grode Yell in particular) to rally his troops, or he could go ge an F’in truck because Walton LOADS!!!!!

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