As Spring Break rapidly approaches, many students have taken time off their busy schedules to cut back and hang loose. One hilarious student has taken it a step further.
Chad Hayes, a ‘super senior’ on his ‘second victory lap’, spent $40 on a surprisingly detailed plastic replica of a pair of testicles for his pick-up truck.
“I take a lot of pride in my truck. It’s a sign of what a man I am. That’s why I’ve decided to give it the most emasculating thing possible — a clean-shaven and disproportionately small scrotum.” said Hayes.
His test-acular undercarriage can be seen bouncing along Northgate multiple times a week.
“Oftentimes, my truck and my balls are my only proof to people of how not gay I am.” said Hayes, “I almost spend more time telling people about all the tough things I do than actually doing them. I played junior varsity football in highschool, I own 6 pocket knives, and I go hunting all the time. That’s why I’m always wearing camo. Want to see pictures of the deer I shot two years ago?”
It was immediately evident that Hayes’ humor went beyond just his taste in car decor.
A classmate of Hayes said, “If he can call enough attention to himself to make a joke, he will. Regardless of the situation. He’s got these two awesome jokes he uses for everything: either he compares it to a time he banged a hot chick, à la a ‘that’s what she said’ joke, or he calls it gay. Man, never gets old.”
Hayes’ friends have described him as “the kind of guy who starts acting drunk after half a beer, takes Axe commercials at face value, and always has the same expired condom in his back pocket, even if he’s just going to class on Monday morning.”
Hayes promises to prominently display his trademark humor, charming personality, and tiny balls around College Station until he graduates.
“I really want to further establish my masculinity, so I’m going to slap balls on my rear bumper all the time . . . That’s what she said.”*
*Our sources have yet to confirm if that is indeed what she said.