WASHINGTON D.C. — In a groundbreaking discovery made at the Geological Society of America’s 14th National Conference, geologists from Texas A&M University have confirmed that Ol’ Rock (The Good Ag) is 4.54 billion years old1.
“After comparing notes with other eminent geologists around the nation and piecing together irrefutable carbon dating evidence2, we can now say that Ol’ Rock is, in fact, 4.54 billion years old.” said Bill Myers3, writer of McGee and Me, “We haven’t decided yet if he has a summer birthday though. I’m really hoping for June.”
This revelation came hours before the Texas School Board4 officially announced that Ol’ Rock is 6000 years old5. When asked to support their position, the chairman of the board, Sam Harris6,7 said, “We talked to his Father8 and that was the age he told us. Well, sort of. He mentioned some family history9 and 6000 is the age we reckoned from that.”
As of press time, the GSA and the Texas School Board reached an agreement that Ol’ Rock was “most definitely between 6000 and 4.54 billion years old beyond a shadow of a doubt.10”
1. Age of the Earth consistent with our totally-concrete-and-never-going-to-need-to-be-updated evolutionary theory.
2. Carbon dating is ineffective past 45,000 years. Who dates someone that old, anyway? Also, Carbon dating is like totally the most effective type of radiometric dating for determining the age of rocks.
3. Prolific Christian writer of fun children’s books
4. Currently attempting to enforce Creationism in Texas public schools
5. Age of the Earth according to 17th-century bishop James Ussher who is still quoted today because he most definitely used super up to date scientific, chronological, and historical methods to date the age of the earth.
6. One of the “Four Horsemen of New Atheism.” Often referred to as “Pasty, Pale Rider” and “That Guy Who Looks Like Ben Stiller, Right?”
7. Not to be confused with pop singer of the same name and writer of 2010 gay anthem, “My Reclamation”
8. We are still uncertain if the Father ever, indeed, consulted the Texas School Board
9. Because genealogy charts never skip generations
10. Because “Science!”