BREAKING: Kasey Kram Wins Election BREAKING: Kasey Kram Wins Election
6:00 PM, FEBRUARY 21, 2014 — That’s right. You heard it here first. Out of what has been an incredibly heated election season, a... BREAKING: Kasey Kram Wins Election

6:00 PM, FEBRUARY 21, 2014 — That’s right. You heard it here first. Out of what has been an incredibly heated election season, a winner has been announced. We beat The Batt to the punch on this one. Hell, we even beat the Election Commissioner on this one.

Kasey Kram, Class of 2015, has been declared the new Student Body President for the 2014-2015 school year.

Although he was favored in the polls, the news will likely come as a shock to the many students across campus who didn’t realize there were people who were still taking this year’s election seriously. In fact, a few fake candidates were written in enough times to be serious contenders. Looking at you Johnny Gustafson and Bailey Burrus.

“It is the closest vote we have had in years,” said Allison Krenzien, Election Commissioner for the Student Government Association, “but we have had the votes recounted 15 times and can say with semi-certainty that Kasey Kram won the election.”

In the midst of their victory celebration, Kram said, “I’m still trying to take it all in. I am not trying to be humble, but I don’t believe it myself. Well, maybe I do, but Johnny Gustafson made me really nervous.”

Kram will be taking office this year following the resignation of current Student Body President, Reid Joseph.

Kram pledges to hold to his campaign promise of focusing on the big picture, making sure A&M grows and flourishes over the next five years.

Primarily, his term will place an emphasis on making West Campus a place people besides Business majors care about and ensuring meal plans do not remain the University’s not-so-secret way of lining their pockets . . . Best of luck with those.

Campus holds its breath to see the results of Kram’s term. Only time will tell if he succeeds in his mission statement or if he gets filed for impeachment.

mm

Honey Bear

Is the name ironic? Maybe. Maybe not. Honestly, he’s been called that for longer than anyone has known him. He’s a sociopath and we don’t like talking with him very much. So when the man says he’s called Honey Bear, we make damn sure to call him Honey Bear. He gets his articles turned in on time though, so we keep him around.

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