Yesterday, a small branch of campus died. The phrase “C ♥ L” was found carved into the beloved Century Tree. Many believed it to be the work of a red-ass couple etching their name into the history of A&M. However, we have uncovered the seedy truth.
Our team of journalists worked tirelessly to reach out to those familiar with the Century Tree. This included the grounds staff, the two Corps proposals that occurred last night, and more importantly two eyewitnesses. They found the root of the problem, and it shocked our staff and will rock this campus.
Around 8:15pm local time, Charlie Strong, Head Coach of the Texas Longhorns football team, was reportedly seen leaving the century tree, knife in hand.
We have interpreted the carvings to mean “Charlie loves Longhorns”.
This crude fourth grade showing of affection stems from a lack of respect and is an affront to our University and our traditions. Sources say Strong was beginning to engrave “Screw the Gadget Program” and “#NOSIR” deep into the tree’s bark but was thwarted by several students.
“The university speaks for itself,” said Strong, earlier this month. “We don’t need gadgets. We’re not going to be a gadget program.”
It appears that Texas University needed a little help speaking for themselves last night.
University Police are investigating the atrocity and one wood reasonably expect campus officials, particularly Kevin Sumlin, to issue a response in the coming days.
If you witness any suspicious behavior involving single individuals around the tree, please call 9-911 immediately.