HOWARDSGATE: Birth Certificate Reveals Richmond Howard Not Actually 35 Years Old HOWARDSGATE: Birth Certificate Reveals Richmond Howard Not Actually 35 Years Old
Those “Running with Richmond” will be pleased to know that amid rampant controversy, Mr. Howard has produced his birth certificate. It is confirmed that... HOWARDSGATE: Birth Certificate Reveals Richmond Howard Not Actually 35 Years Old

Those “Running with Richmond” will be pleased to know that amid rampant controversy, Mr. Howard has produced his birth certificate. It is confirmed that his date of birth is April 6th of 1993, not 1978 as many had speculated.

Richmond Howard is known for many things. He is the former president of Pike. He had a successful stint as a Mays Business School senator. However, what he may be most famous for is his receding hairline.

“You have no idea what the stress coming from this election season has done to me.” said Richmond’s hairline. “You’d be receding too if you had it this rough.”

SGA regulations state that only students can run for student body president. That is why the news of Mr. Howard’s birth certificate comes at such a crucial time.

“I would hate for Richmond to be disqualified just because he looks like he should be dropping his kids off at carpool.” said Alan Clayton, Howard’s campaign manager.

Richmond’s staff is collectively very relieved for this ordeal to be over with, though they were shocked when the other SBP candidates initially brought Richmond’s age into question. Nonetheless, the certificate was promptly delivered to Allison Krenzien, election commissioner, at the beginning of this week.

After extensive analysis, it was confirmed that the certificate was genuine and not a forgery as Jake Walker, editor-in-chief of the Battalion, and  Kyle Kelly’s campaign team had previously contested.

“Everyone knew Roy May was over 30 years old. That, combined with his military experience, ended up working to his advantage in Yell Leader elections last spring.” said Clayton. “We plan on adopting a similar strategy, even though Richmond isn’t actually a grown man . . . he just looks like one.”

As of press time, Mr. Howard’s campaign team is trying to find a way to enlist him in the Army before general campaigning begins on February 17th.

mm

Cactus Jack

Like Bellamy, we knew immediately that we wanted Cactus Jack on our team. It probably has to do with the fact that when we first met him, he was trying to figure out what it would feel like to lick a cactus. He’s sort of like the abandoned dog you come across on the side of the highway. He may be ugly, but we pulled over to watch and now we feel at least partially responsible for him.

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